Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
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