note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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