I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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