false alarm. still invincible.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
