Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
