My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
