he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
