i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
