im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
