i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
barbara walters just said penis...
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
