Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
