i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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