just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
