So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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