Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
