In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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