Apparently you make a good broom.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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