Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Every concussion has its silver lining
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
