"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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