suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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