im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
