how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
