ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
