How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
