As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
