Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Randomize
