you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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