everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
