goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
