dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
tequila makes me forget i have legs
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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