my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
