Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
