What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
