sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
