She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize