just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Randomize
