sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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