while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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