Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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