I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize