seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
