I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
