Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
