Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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