We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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