I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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