All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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