Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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