I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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