The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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