everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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