I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
