sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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