hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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