I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize