your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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