Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
