So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
