she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
