i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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