Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Randomize
