omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Randomize
